Hello Philosophy Society!
Discussion 1: Boundaries
When we are involved in an intimate relationship, it is important for us to learn to express boundaries with our partner. A boundary is a rule that we stipulate in the relationship. The other party has the choice to learn to respect that boundary as a sign of respect for us. If they choose not to respect the boundary we have articulated, it shows that there is an issue with how they view us. It is important for our own self-respect, that we limit our relationships to those who give us respect. Being in relationships with those who do not respect us will cause a lot of suffering.
When articulating boundaries, it is important to give people the chance to learn how to respect the boundaries. There will be some form of learning curve and maybe even a significant challenge for some people depending on what the boundary is. Some things that may seem simple to us, can be quite challenging for others. The most important factor is that they:
1) acknowledge that the boundary is important and accept to learn it and
2) that we observe them making progress in learning the boundary.
Learning boundaries will be the development of a habit, if that habit has not been formed yet. If the person has already developed the habit in their past, it will be relatively easy for them to implement the boundary in the current relationship. If the boundary is something that has not been developed as a habit or they have an existing habit that is directly contrary to the boundary, it can be quite difficult for someone to implement the boundary immediately. This delay in the learning curve can be a reason why someone would take space from another person. If it is drastically harmful to be in another’s life while they learn to habituate the boundaries we express to them, this delay in their learning can be a reason why we do not engage in the relationship further. It is not that we have an absolute termination of the relationship, but that we cannot allow harm to ourselves while the individual is figuring out their own habits in respecting our boundaries.
It is important to give people the benefit of the double when articulating boundaries. We want to screen out people who completely disregard the boundaries, like psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. When we express how their presence in our lives makes us feel in general, a healthy person will find a way to respect that boundary if it is reasonable. If how we feel or their impact on us does not matter to them, we have to ask ourselves what the value of the relationship is in our life.
Ultimately, our self-respect is more important than allowing another person to be in our life in an abusive or careless context. This is a fundamental boundary we have to have with ourselves that applies to all other people. If we cannot have healthy boundaries with others, then our social relationships will be a cause of suffering for us throughout our lives.
Discussion 2: Communication
Communication is the necessary medium for all relationships. First, we must have a relationship with ourselves, an inner sense of being in touch with our identity. This self-awareness is a sense of communication with ourselves. Know thyself was the inscription in the Temple of Apollo at Delphi. This is one of the first principles of wisdom.
We first have to develop a relationship with ourselves before we can have a relationship with others. This means that we understand our own minds and what the meaning of our experiences are. These representations are a form of communication with yourself. There are fundamental elements of our consciousness that may be beyond our explicit awareness that are still fundamental to our being. Understanding how we feel is one the first steps to self-knowledge and self communication.
Communication with others is something that is best done when we are speaking from a sound state of mind. The most important things that we have to discuss with others are those things that are the most important to us. We most often can tell what these things are because they affect us. When we do not have some form of emotive state related to that which matters, we will find ourselves in problems. We will lack the motivation drive to direct ourselves to what is important as a human being and as this specific human being.
When we understand ourselves we are in a position to make an effort to understand others. Context is very important to why people act and behave the way they do. It is important for us to take the time to contextualize the other such that we have a sense of ‘where they are coming from.’ This is why the principle of clarity and empathy is so important. It is important that we do not make assumptions in our communications with others.
Others have their own perspective on life and we have to make sure that they confirm that we understand them. Summarizing the content or perspective of another is one of the best ways for us to make sure that we actually understand them. For example, we can do this by saying “Let me try to summarize what you are trying to say.” or “Is this what you mean?”
Once we have made a genuine effort to understand the other, progress will be made if we are coming from a principle of mutual understanding or a ‘meeting of the minds.’ Coming from an empathetic and compassionate perspective is essential for us to establish quality meaning in our relationships. No communication will be effective if it is not meaningful. Communication is only meaningful if it includes the perspectives of all the parties involved.
If a person is ‘trying to be right’ or ‘proving someone wrong’ they have lost the charitable approach that goes deep behind surface words to the content and thought that sprouted it. Our communication is always from somewhere. It is motivated from some feeling or desire. Our message has a point if not only to be expressed in itself. We may just want others to be aware of something rather than prove a point.
Discussion 3: Needs
In our relationships, one of the most important things to communicate to the other person is what our needs are. Always going back to our first principles, we first have to develop the self-awareness to understand what our needs are in the first place. For example, some people need others to listen, some people have a higher need for physical affection or may have specific sexual needs.
Our personal needs are different from our relationship needs. Personal needs are things that you can self-sufficiently gain on your own if you are of good health like breathing, eating, sleeping, etc. To have a healthy relationship that does not fall into a codependency, symbiotic or parasitic-ness, it is essential that we learn to meet all of our personal needs first.
Relationship needs are those things that can only be achieved through some relationship with another person. For example, the hormone oxytocin, produced by the hypothalamus, is known as the ‘love hormone,’ is released when we are in love or in close proximity with an intimate partner. This hormone is something that cannot be produced on your own and is a need for many people. Therefore, finding a healthy partner who you can share the production of this hormone with is important.
Companionship, living together, fun activities, sex and much more can all be met with the presence of a healthy partner in our lives. These lifestyle activities are needs that can only best be met with specific kinds of people in our lives. Once we have developed a relationship with ourselves, learned independence in our adult life by developing a lifestyle that is built on habits conducive to meeting our needs in a healthy way, then we can be ready for a relationship with another person.
Living our life is a form of communication in itself that is not verbally explicit. If necessary, it may be important, especially during the beginning stages of enmeshment or infatuation, for us to articulate what our independent/personal needs are so that the relationship with our partner does not compromise us meeting our own needs. This is important to prevent relationships of dependency, symbiotic or parasitic forms from developing. We also must be mindful that the other does not become dependent on us in an unhealthy way by us meeting their personal needs for them.
Discussion 4: Relationships
In relationships we can combine living tasks for efficiency like laundry, cooking and cleaning but it is important that these tasks are reciprocated so that one person is not fulfilling lifestyle duties for both parties. It is important to create a balanced relationship between two independent individuals for the full strength of a relationship.
Ongoing through our relationships, we will change and grow so it is important for us to communicate our personal and relationship needs to our partner. If we find this challenging, we can first write down what our needs are in the form of a script that we can use to communicate to our partner. These needs are a form of a boundary or guideline on how the relationship can be its best. If the partner is not able to meet some of the needs, that would be a clear limitation on the relationship.
Some people determine that these limitations are reasons for expanding social relations to other people and even in the context of sexual needs seen in polyamorous relationships. These situations must be determined case by case and the hierarchy of values of needs would have to be made explicit so that one can decide what is best for their well being and growth.
Discussion 5: Disagreement
Disagreement can arise in all of our relationships and it is important to understand what the other person perceives before we make a judgment. Being emotionally and intellectually empathetic and by feeling what the other person feels and seeing from their point of view will give the utmost effectiveness to understanding disagreement. Sometimes, simply feeling where another is coming from will dissolve the disagreement and reduce unnecessary, uncritically thought, argumentation.
Using our critical thinking, with our empathy, will give us the most out of the conflicts and disagreements we find ourselves in. It is important to not resort to arrogance or becoming aggressive when others do not see things the same way we do. When others see things differently, this is an opportunity to have a rich conversation and expand our understanding.
Being mindful of our own feelings so that we do not act disrespectfully is very important. We may need to take a time out if we feel upset so that we can communicate our feelings to the other in a respectful way. Speaking from a negative emotional state has the high risk of becoming abusive and compromising the relationship in itself.
We want our disagreements and criticisms to be constructive and not become bullying. That means that they are based on evidence and are reasonable with the end of the other person's benefit and growth, not a means to hurt, harm or ridicule them. Our emotions are not necessarily reasons in themselves. We may misperceive something so it is important for us to be open to alternative perspectives and making sure that we have the facts correct. As our grandfathers would say, ‘When you assume, you make an Ass out of U and Me.’
Reflections: The Dancer
We began our story with expectations. As we expand our experience, we will confront things we never knew existed. We never experienced them and hence did not know their true value. If we have this opportunity to experience something of great value that was never understood before, we change. The story changes.
Knowledge is based on the limits of the symbols we use to understand and the experiences we have. So some things of great value are not known right away. It is most likely the case that those things that are the most important, are things we have never known. Until now.
When you learn to be your best self, in all situations that you feel a challenge or calling to, then you will be surprised. Some experience will occur that connects to our evolutionary history. It will profoundly stand out and resonate with your existence on this planet.
Why do I say this? At a secret dance party, in a dark warehouse with raw heavy music, a beautiful dancer challenged me. After over two years of self taught EDM and hip hop dancing, never had I experienced this situation. She saw me and made sure I saw her. Our instincts connected and the wisdom of our ancestors brought us together.
Some experiences will contrast to everything that has happened to you before. This experience will inevitably change you. Learn your Self. It is something unique and worth developing. This process is essentially your psychological development. That’s what it means to grow as a human beyond your body developing into a mature adult.
Becoming a participant of the economic system is only a means to an end. It is not your true identity. Your identity is something that you must explore and understand, independent of the necessary factors of survival. Those factors of survival are something we all share. In some ways, they are the burden of human existence. For many people, they compromise their path on their journey of themselves because of the fear they will not have enough. This fear is real but what you do with it has dramatic effects on your outcome.
Aside from faith, we really only have one life. Embrace the life you have, the experience you live right now, and grow to your full potential. No one can stop you unless you let them. Let us stop those who hurt us, but embrace all to grow for the sake of growth.
Growth is a fundamental property of being human and life in general. Our growth as a human being is dynamic and layered on our evolutionary history. Let us see how far we can reach.
Consulting: Professionalism
Conflicts and confusions happen. The way we deal with them is by talking about it. People make mistakes and we don't know everything. Only by making an effort to understand each other and our feelings can we find the truth.
No one means to be unprofessional in their work relationships. Misunderstandings are the cause of most issues within the workplace. Unless people come to an understanding together, they can make assumptions and become uncomfortable. Problems will worsen if we do not have a moment to discuss our perceptions and feelings. Sometimes this is best done with a mediator.
None of us want weird situations with coworkers. If we feel there is something going on with another coworker, it is best to invite a meeting with the manager so everyone can discuss it instead of allowing it to be vague and linger. Everyone becomes uncomfortable when problems are not solved and people do not understand each other.
It is unprofessional to not specify what issues are in the workplace. If people don't know what's going on, the ambiguity of the situation is more uncomfortable than the people involved. The only issue most of us have is ultimately miscommunication. Through clarity, almost all problems can have been prevented and solved.
Being professional is not defined as tip toeing around people. Being professional is someone who has expertise in their job and respects those they work with. It is a sign of expertise to clearly communicate in a job where communication is necessary.
To be professional is to discuss and communicate how we feel and what we perceive so that we don't make assumptions of each other and misunderstand each other. Be committed to being professional. This means not allowing our biases and limited views to determine what is true. Being professional means we make an effort to work together without assuming the intentions of others and give each other the benefit of the doubt.
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